public apology

to the past,

 

to the people whom I effected in the past- this is my public apology. I am not perfect. I am still learning. I have so much growing to do. I realized I kinda just said, “eff you” to the past several years. everything I worked hard for, the relationships built & now I’ve pretty much burned all those bridges down. I guess that’s what I wanted though. I wanted to figure out who I was & what I wanted. Not what was best for me via other people. Not saying that the past several years was a lie and not me. that was me. that was me trying to figure me out & now I’m here. still figuring out what I’m about. I’ve done a lot of growing and taken a lot of risk. I am so glad I’ve made every decision I’ve made wrong or right in your eyes because now I am here. Where I want to be, who I want to be with and on the path that I know God has called me to be on right now. This apology is more for me so that I won’t feel super guilty for cutting some people out of my life. No one should feel bad for living their life and being happy. So I apologize to those people whom I’ve hurt. I didn’t intend to hurt you but I do believe you did intend to hurt me & make me feel bad with your words, although I’m not gonna take it anymore. Your words are yours- not mine. To that one person- You were a good friend. I’m sure you had the best intentions. May God bless your career & your new family. To everyone else- I apologize if I’ve let you down & for not being there for you.

 

Who am I?

I am typing this on my phone while laying in my bed. I have a stained shirt on. I just killed a spider. For a week now I’ve been dancing in my sleep. Feeling restless in my skin when I arise; I can see the change in my body, I can feel the sadness in my heart to long for something greater, for something not near. The dreams I have, (because thats all I do have) when I close my eyes are more real than the air I gasp for when I awake from my slumber. More real than the blurry vision I see when the sun hits my face at the crack of dawn. Who Am I? For years, I listened to the opinion & beliefs of others so passionately that I am one of them. As much as, I would love to be different; I am. I must love the path I’ve chosen because I have been given free will. I must deal with the consequences of actions. The actions that make a pot hole in Houston bigger, like a dry sponge soaking up water…i am expanding. I must live with the expansion or take action. Who am I? I voice my speech on facebook & receive comments, messages, phone calls & judgemental remarks all from people who barely know me. You saw me pass you in a hallway & now you care? Please let me save us some time & walk away. You can pray to God to save my soul but he already has. He sees my heart. He knows my thoughts. He gets me. Who am I? God who am I?

#truththursday

Dear future lucy,

You ever wake up really sad, heavy hearted & depressed? This is your life for the past two days. You arent really sure why although youve been thinking about a lot.

For instance, when you call yourself a Christian you automatically become a minister of The Gospel & frankly…thats so hard for you to swallow. Ive misrepresented Christ too many times & i feel so unworthy to be called that but its the truth. You dont always have to get a paycheck or a love check to be a minister. Your life should resemble the life of Christ & The love of Christ should be evident in all areas.

#secretsunday

Dear future lucy,

You stopped worshipping God and started worshipping gods.

Dont get me wrong BUT youve set your focus on yourself not Jesus for the mere fact that you do NOT like the church (people). the things youve seen, heard & even done are already done & cant be taken back. Now, there is forgiveness but like everything else in life its a PROCESS and in that process you have to be as gentle as a newly fallen leaf. (that makes sense in my head)

You see the freedom in this is the process of forgiving & being forgiven. (#freedomfriday)

The story here is not understanding why people stand on a stage & preach their own gospel not The Gospel. (#storysaturday)

The secret is you cant stand going to church but here you are…sitting in church. You can hear clearly while you blog, which is awesome.

I hope that today youve forgiven & you understand youre forgiven.

Remote

When you try, you fail
You try again & again & again & eventually you succeed after failing so many other times.

Would you rather be someone who tries? Or someone who gives up?

Two paths that lead you towards insanity or prosperity.

Are you willing to be humilited & fall flat on your face in front of the ones you call friends, family & even foes? Or take the “high road” aka the pride stroll?

Am I okay with who I see in the mirror?
Constantly glancing, not actually staring…
Because everyone knows, when you stare, you start to glare… at where you used to be & how far youve flown off the chart.

I think that rhymed.