careful, careless.

it’s been a while since I’ve blogged & I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. So much so it’s forced me to do things to myself (like color my hair) that I wouldn’t do if i was sane. lol. jk. 

what’s on my mind & what comes out of my mouth have been two different things for months when I am with certain people. what’s on my heart & what I actually do everyday are two different things and I don’t like it. I don’t like who i’ve become. 

sure, I’m a “badass bitch with no cares in the world.” but that badass bitch is really just hiding a lot emotions/feelings she hasn’t dealt with for years. I could say woe is me- my father committed suicide or my mother beat me growing up or my grandma kicked me out two weeks prior to moving in because she felt i was being holier than thou. I could say all of those things but I won’t. I’ve brought myself here to this party of one & only I can change that. 

I asked a friend the other day if they would consider going to church with me because I didn’t want to do it alone again. They said they would think about it but the more I wait for the denying response, the more I anticipate when this season will be over. 

I am a human. I have a heart. A human heart & a spiritual heart. A few months ago, I realized my spirit man was dying & I cried out to God to be helped but that didn’t do anything. I don’t have passion nor drive to get me to church or open up the bible that was given to me by a youth pastor who married one of his youth. 

Have I been sidetracked my entire life? Have I been blind for 24 years? Have I been so convinced that if you speak life- life will live? Have I truly been Hitler’d? 

I’m not sure where I am. Where I stand. nor where I am going. & that is all my fault. 

I didn’t listen to those spiritual leaders that said, “if you keep going on like this you’ll end up dead..” well I’m not dead…it’s worst… i have no vision. no passion. no drive. 

Is this what I expected? No not at all..i did it all to have a story & now that i have that story i don’t even want to tell it because it doesn’t make me sound cool, it makes me sound empty, helpless & lonely surrounded by the same empty, helpless & lonely people.

I thought I could be strong in my faith & bring folks closer to Jesus instead I probably drove people away. My bitterness probably did more than I intended as well. 

Here I sit as a sheep with no shepherd. 

do not pity me. i did this to myself. 

depressed, stressed & helpless. 

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