Matilda

For the past four months Ive been doing a self evaluation once a week. Yesterday I was sitting with a friend who knows little about me & I know little her about as well. I havent really opened up to anyone about my stance on my beliefs and religion. Ive been taking on each day at a time. For 6 years I was in the full time ministry (as in getting paid to go to church etc etc). Thats all I knew. Last year I realized Id never been to church on my own. Isnt that shocking? Never once did I get up & want to go to church in the past SIX YEARS. When I was a child I would beg my mom to take me. Sometimes she would even ground me from attending. I knew when I was 17 that God placed this huge passionate desire to reach out to young folks in the inner city because thats where I was reached. I started to do youth rallies with my friends and last year I got pretty serious and started getting all this help. It became super overwhelming. I was discouraged. I had people saying, “we support you but we’ll stand back and not help you.” like there words were all they had. I was driving back home from having dinner with josh and michelle tonight…i started to think about where I went wrong. What did I do to have been brought so far? I examined my surroundings from this time last year and this time now. This time last year I had bystanders in my life. This time now I have participators in my life. People who are doing life with me. Not just watching. I would like to think this is what church should be like. A group of people living life to the fullest and not holding their breath for heaven or for Jesus to come back. A group of people willing to examine themselves and embrace their flaws. A group of people who fear God and love him at the same time. As I sat there opening up to this friend sharing our thoughts about Jesus and life, i geniunely felt free. God. Crying out to God knowing youre not alone. God setting me up. Setting up my surroundings.

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