Almost Mrs. Pinkerton

I can’t believe it but I know it’s almost here…

I am almost Mrs. Pinkerton. I don’t think I’ve ever been this excited about a name or a family or person.

As some of you know, my last name is not my biological last name. matter of fact no one really knows what it is. I always had this plan when I turned 21 I would change my biological name to something more fitting. (that never happened) Now, I get to change my last name to my best friends last name. How cool is that? How good is God? How faithful is he to me?! SOOO faithful. When I think about being Lucy Pinkerton, my eyes begin to water. my heart begins to beat faster & I get butterflies in my stomach. I love Josh, I love everything about him. I love his flaws. I love his heart. I love the way he communicates. I love the way he shows love to his friends and family. He’s my best friend & I can’t wait to be His wife.

Lucy ALMOST Pinkerton. 🙂

 

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public apology

to the past,

 

to the people whom I effected in the past- this is my public apology. I am not perfect. I am still learning. I have so much growing to do. I realized I kinda just said, “eff you” to the past several years. everything I worked hard for, the relationships built & now I’ve pretty much burned all those bridges down. I guess that’s what I wanted though. I wanted to figure out who I was & what I wanted. Not what was best for me via other people. Not saying that the past several years was a lie and not me. that was me. that was me trying to figure me out & now I’m here. still figuring out what I’m about. I’ve done a lot of growing and taken a lot of risk. I am so glad I’ve made every decision I’ve made wrong or right in your eyes because now I am here. Where I want to be, who I want to be with and on the path that I know God has called me to be on right now. This apology is more for me so that I won’t feel super guilty for cutting some people out of my life. No one should feel bad for living their life and being happy. So I apologize to those people whom I’ve hurt. I didn’t intend to hurt you but I do believe you did intend to hurt me & make me feel bad with your words, although I’m not gonna take it anymore. Your words are yours- not mine. To that one person- You were a good friend. I’m sure you had the best intentions. May God bless your career & your new family. To everyone else- I apologize if I’ve let you down & for not being there for you.

 

Inspired by.

“Some people might look at her & say, oh man look at how concrete her walls are. Look at how hard thats going to be for it to come down.. And when they come down, cause they will come down where will the concrete hit? Who will it effect? Who will be hurt because she is free? They said it takes yrs to put those walls up-
so many offenses, so many hurts & fears…

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Can she deal?, they ask. Can she really move pass this past of pain & insecurity?

Yeah, yeah she can. All the seasons that’ve led her here to this specific season have been exactly what she needed.

She is a women, taking back her health, her heart & her passion.”

Inspired by Good Looks off Canteen Killas newest ep/album named, Cathartic.

careful, careless.

it’s been a while since I’ve blogged & I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. So much so it’s forced me to do things to myself (like color my hair) that I wouldn’t do if i was sane. lol. jk. 

what’s on my mind & what comes out of my mouth have been two different things for months when I am with certain people. what’s on my heart & what I actually do everyday are two different things and I don’t like it. I don’t like who i’ve become. 

sure, I’m a “badass bitch with no cares in the world.” but that badass bitch is really just hiding a lot emotions/feelings she hasn’t dealt with for years. I could say woe is me- my father committed suicide or my mother beat me growing up or my grandma kicked me out two weeks prior to moving in because she felt i was being holier than thou. I could say all of those things but I won’t. I’ve brought myself here to this party of one & only I can change that. 

I asked a friend the other day if they would consider going to church with me because I didn’t want to do it alone again. They said they would think about it but the more I wait for the denying response, the more I anticipate when this season will be over. 

I am a human. I have a heart. A human heart & a spiritual heart. A few months ago, I realized my spirit man was dying & I cried out to God to be helped but that didn’t do anything. I don’t have passion nor drive to get me to church or open up the bible that was given to me by a youth pastor who married one of his youth. 

Have I been sidetracked my entire life? Have I been blind for 24 years? Have I been so convinced that if you speak life- life will live? Have I truly been Hitler’d? 

I’m not sure where I am. Where I stand. nor where I am going. & that is all my fault. 

I didn’t listen to those spiritual leaders that said, “if you keep going on like this you’ll end up dead..” well I’m not dead…it’s worst… i have no vision. no passion. no drive. 

Is this what I expected? No not at all..i did it all to have a story & now that i have that story i don’t even want to tell it because it doesn’t make me sound cool, it makes me sound empty, helpless & lonely surrounded by the same empty, helpless & lonely people.

I thought I could be strong in my faith & bring folks closer to Jesus instead I probably drove people away. My bitterness probably did more than I intended as well. 

Here I sit as a sheep with no shepherd. 

do not pity me. i did this to myself. 

depressed, stressed & helpless. 

Spiritual Farming

Over-Saved

Tell me if this sounds familiar.

You are a Christian. You have been raised in your faith and have known about it your entire life. You went to church 13 times a week, spent countless summers at Bible Camp and even went to a Christian College. Then for whatever reason, you got sick of “the Bubble.”

You left for a while and enjoyed some sin. You discovered what the world was like on Sunday mornings between 10-12. You learned that one drop of alcohol will not give you a liver disease. You enjoyed having an extra 10 percent of your paycheck in your pocket. You found a life outside of the churchhouse.

Then you wised up and realized that although that was fun for a couple weeks/months/year, you still felt empty because deep down inside, you still held close to your Christian faith. You still believed it and you knew…

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pizza

to the internetz,

 

 

While listening to this song I remembered a bold statement that was said out of my mouth to some close friends last night.

“i think im gonna start hosting youth rallies again” & in my heart I said, “I’m going to host youth rallies again for Jesus.”

It’s been about a year since I hosted one. The vision is dusty like a bible in a motel 6. I’ve been praying and speaking with two anointed women of God lately whom are my faithful friends and intercessors. One of them writes to me a quote from their husband who is also an anointed man of God who is a faithful friend and intercessor… He says, “the best faith journeys are the ones we take alone.” If you read closely, in my opinion, He’s revealing that usually faith journey’s include multiple folks. When in fact that’s partially true…

I’m currently on an faith meets adventure meets real life 9-5 no church attending just daily conversations with Jesus and anointed women and men of God- journey.

I miss the fellowship that the church brings although I have to yet to put myself in that situation again. I’ve been invited plenty of times I just can’t seem to bring myself to actually going to a church service or prayer service.

Am I scared of confrontation? Am I scared that people will say… “oh lucy she was once a christian but no longer is because of her actions”

Yes, it just sounds like a bunch of condemnation which is from the devil not from God.

Yes, i know i shouldn’t listen to those thoughts or words from peeps. Although I am.

Bold Lucy is still Bold Lucy with a lot of sensitivity.

I’ve found myself listening to worship music, praying & interceding, crying & weeping for God to come into my heart & wreck my life daily.

I want to boldly love him (Jesus- not again but for the first time all over)

I want to love people & not feel like my love for them isn’t worth it.

My love for people comes from God.

My love to serve might have been taken advantage of but it was sincere & that comes from God.

So can I do it?

Can I really start doing youth rallies again?

Can I bring myself to ask for help from people?

I’m sure I can I just don’t know when.

I’m not cleaning up btw to the folks who are like, “oh but she drinks, oh but she uses profanity, oh but look at who she hangs out with.”

If you can remember when the love of Christ overtakes ones whole heart, the person wants to be consumed by Jesus’ love & nothing else.

So let the power of the love of Christ compel me.

 

harsh

i think sometimes i can be a bit harsh on my blog towards my past and the people who’ve been apart of my life. i would like to apologize for hurting anyone’s feelings although there’s a saying I’ve stuck by for years & it’s this… “truth hurts, so suck it up…” The truth will set you free, it says so in the bible whether it hurts your heart or not it’s the truth. sometimes when I read back on my blogs, my own feelings get hurt by what I’ve typed about people and even situations. but it’s the truth. I would rather live open & free-minded about my life, having nothing to hide then fill my life with lies and deceit as if I am better than the next person. Here is my vow to myself though… I, Lucy, will not be moved nor changed by the thoughts of others only if it betters myself and the situation at hand. I will live day to day & not worry or fret about the future. God is for me. God is in me & when I fall He will catch me.